The Phantom's Opera
by Kirin-sama
Summary: Christine is taken by the sexy phantom, right under Raoul's nose...and it's up to him to save her.
1. Chapter 1

The Phantom's Opera

By giraffy410

Chapter 1 "Not the Brightest Crayon in the Box"

Christine Daae sat at her dressing table, brushing her hair and humming to herself.

"What a success tonight was, despite Carlotta taking ill. I do hope the audience liked my singing, and whether the Angel of Music appears or not depends entirely on..."

"_Come to the Angel of Music..."_ a voice called from above.

"Oh Jesus." Christine sighed. Then, to the voice, she said, "I have heard you before, Angel, but who are you?"

"Good Lord, girl, weren't you listening?" the voice said impatiently. "I am the Angel of Music!" Lightening flashed, and horses from the street neighed in fright.

" Don't angels have wings?" Christine implored.

"Usually, but I am disembodied."

"Disem-what?"

"Not the brightest crayon in the box, are you, my dear?" the voice said thoughtfully. "Well, no matter, I shall appear before you momentarily!

"Oh, please do!" Christine cried, delighted. "If your image is as beautiful as your voice, then I shall be quite pleased!"

The Phantom appeared out of the smoke. He was tall and dark, but not in the least bit as beautiful as his voice, or even handsome, for that matter.

"Well, that was quite a disappointment," Christine said sadly. "But you do remind me of my father..."

"Really?" The Phantom asked thoughtfully. "I think your father was a bit shorter."

Christine raised her head. "You...you...knew... my father?" she stammered.

A sinister smile appeared on the Phantom's face. "Oh yes," he giggled. "I 'knew' your father quite well!"

"Wonderful!" Christine exclaimed.

" Take my hand, child, and follow the Angel of Music!" Lightening flashed, and horses on the streets below neighed in fright.

"Wonder what's wrong with the horses tonight?" Christine thought to herself as she passed through the mirror.

Raoul had enough that night. The woman he loved simply vanished from her room! Worse yet, he realized that his nose looked a bit off center. Damn plastic surgeons, he thought.

"Christine! Oh, Christine! I must find her! I must!" He turned to a passing stage hand and said, "Excuse me, sir, but do you have any idea where Christine Daae might have gone?"

"Well, the Phantom's loose, and I hear he's quite sexy. Bet my balls she's with him." The stage hand said casually. "He hangs around the cellars of the opera."

"Oh, thank you so much, sir, thank you so..." Raoul's voice trailed off as a twelve-year-old boy walked by. Raoul stared at him until the stage hand asked, "Sir, are you okay?"

"Yes, of course," Raoul nodded. "Come on Bubbles," he said to his pet monkey. "Let's go find Christine!"

Presently, Christine was in the middle of darkness. Literally. The Phantom lit a few candles, and the large cave-like room was a blaze of light.

"Do you like my furniture, little Christine?" The Phantom asked a little sadly. "It's all I have left of my poor unhappy mother." He pointed to the antique table and chairs, candles, and sofa.

"Why was she unhappy?" Christine asked innocently.

" The IRS was CONSTANTLY on her ass," the Phantom replied, shaking his head. "This is really all that was left of her possessions."

"Oh." Christine nodded. "Well, what have you to show me down here, Angel?"

"Music..." The Phantom said. "To be more specific, the Music of the Night!"

He turned to a CD player, and flipped it on. After a moment or two, "Thriller" blasted from the speakers. The Phantom flew over, quickly hit the off-switch, and muttered, "Damn, I've GOT to stop mixing my personal CDs."

"Yes, ummm..." he cleared his throat. "You get the idea, child. Music is everything." He stood behind Christine, and put his arms around her waist. "Music is in our hearts." His fingers traveled up. "Music is in our bodies..." His hands caressed her breasts, and Christine slapped them away.

"Oww!" the Phantom yelped. "What the hell was that for?"

"Be careful!" Christine snapped, and fluffed up her breasts. "They're new."

"Okay..." the Phantom said uncertainly. "Are we getting down to business soon?"

"Getting down to business?"

"Yes, you know...rolling in the hay?"

"Rolling in the hay? Well, alright, it sounds quite fun!"

"Good. Then maybe you should just nip off to the shower," the Phantom suggested.

"Okay!" Christine agreed, and disappeared.

Ten minutes later, Christine came out, and went to the Phantom, who was dressed in a towel, shower cap, and bunny slippers, and was holding a brush.

"It's all yours, Angel." Christine smiled.

"Thank you, child," the Phantom said and went into the shower. Thirty seconds later, there was a bloodcurdling shriek and a nude Phantom came out and yelled, "You little Delilah! You stole all the hot water! Now you can never be free!"

"Does this mean we don't get to roll in the hay?" Christine asked timidly.

"Of course it doesn't." the Phantom said more gently. "Just take a quicker shower next time, okay, dear?"

"Yes, of course!" Christine said agreeably.

"For all this, she better be good in bed." the Phantom muttered as he marched back to the bathroom.

That's it for chapter 1! Will the Phantom ever do Christine? How does he "know" Christine's father? Why does Raoul have a pet monkey? And what the hell is with his fascination with pre-teen boys! Find out in chapter 2 of "The Phantom's Opera!" Thank you so much for reading! This is giraffy410, signing off!


	2. Chapter 2

"The Phantom's Opera" by giraffy410 How do you do? Thanks so much for reading. Sorry it took me so long to update...grrr. Well, enjoy Chapter 2!

Chapter 2 "Wait! You forgot your trousers!"

The next morning, Christine awoke in her dressing room. The morning light was bright, and the birds were singing.

"Oh, dear," she fretted. "I hope they aren't too worried about me. Raoul, especially." She contemplated the night before. "Oh, the Angel is so passionate! And a really good kisser!" She dressed and carefully stepped outside.

"Excuse me, sir," she called to the same passing stage hand. "Where might I find the Viscount de Chagny?"

"I last saw him heading into that dressing room down there." the man said casually.

"Oh, thank you, sir!" and to herself, she thought. "Why on Earth would he be hanging about in a dressing room?"

Christine approached the door and knocked. "Raoul, dear, are you in there?"

There was muffled giggling and Raoul said, "Yes, Christine, do you need anything?"

She smiled and replied, "Oh, no, I was just…"

She was cut off by more giggling and a followed "SHHH!"

"Is there another woman in there with you!" Christine shrieked.

"No, pumpkin, why would you think that?" More giggling.

"Raoul, I distinctly heard someone laughing in there. This won't work between us. The Angel of Music offered me a place in his heart, and I think I'll go down to the cellars right now and accept it!" With that, she flounced away, wiping her eyes.

There was a moment's silence until Christine was out of sight.

"OH, SHIT!" the Phantom burst out of the dressing room, wearing heart-spotted underwear, and Raoul at his heels.

"Wait! You forgot your trousers!"

Christine sniffed and wiped her eyes in the Phantom's cellar. It's not fair, she thought. I love Raoul, but he treats me like I'm nothing. Well, I'll show him. The Angel of Music understands me. And besides, he's much bigger!

The flustered Phantom appeared, buttoning his shirt.

"Well, my dear, " he said uncertainly, "what a...surprise. What brings you here?"

"I've come to accept your offer to be your wife," Christine said firmly.

"I thought you loved Hunky-I mean, Raoul," The Phantom replied skeptically.

"Raoul has misplaced his priorities," said Christine, resigned. "He seems to be having an affair with another woman."

"What a...shame." coughed the Phantom. "Well, I do suppose it works out for the best. Besides, I'm much better in bed."

"That's true," Christine nodded. "Raoul does that weird slurpy thing that grosses me out."

"I noticed that, too..."

There was a pause, and the two screamed in unison, "Wait, HOW WOULD YOU KNOW!"

And that about wraps it up! I'll get Chapter 3 up and running soon, so keep reading! This is giraffy410, signing off!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 "Masturbate"

The week passed with the Phantom and Christine not in contact or speaking at all. The end of the week was also the end of the year, with the exciting masquerade on the way!

"I do hope he likes me in this," Christine said to her best friend, Meg.

"Oh, he'll just adore you, sweetie-pie!" Meg gushed. She fingered the beautiful, pure white gown that her friend was wearing. "He'll take you back in a second!" She paused. "What do you think about my outfit?"

Christine glanced over her friend. "Oh, Meg, it's so….so…."

"Is it too low cut? I don't want a wardrobe malfunction," Meg explained nervously.

"No, dear." Christine replied in what she thought was a reassuring voice. "You look splendid."

Meg thought for a moment. "Oh, Christine, in this light you look like….like…."

"Like who?" Christine leaned forward eagerly.

"Minnie Driver!"

"Minnie Driver?"

"Yes!"

"Alrighty then….."  
The two stepped out into the magnificent palace that was the front of the opera house. The crowd was singing a happy song about the masquerade, and dancing in colorful and cheerful costumes.

"Reminds me of the super bowl." Meg said in a dismissive tone.

"Is it just me," mused Christine, "Or does the word 'masquerade' sound a little like something else?"

She looked over and realized that her friend's dress was showing much more of her than it should.

"Uh, Meg, dear…."

"Yes?"

"Wardrobe malfunction."

Meg tittered away to the ladies room, leaving Christine alone.

For a moment…..

A voice whispered in her ear. "Come with me…."

"Oh, Raoul!"

On the top of the roof, under Apollo's Lyre, the two lovers sat, watching the snow fall in gentle, graceful flakes, covering the world in a peaceful blanket that, in the meantime, might silence anger or sadness in a person and let them contemplate the wonderful miracle of nature…..

"I fucking hate the snow." Raoul grumped. "It makes my hair look like I have dandruff!"

"Honey, pipe down, I'm trying to be romantic."  
"Then go call your precious Phantom."

"You know I can't be with him."

"Why not?"

Christine sighed. The truth was, the Phantom was her passion, her lust. Raoul was her love. She needed innocence more than her pure infatuation. Besides, the Phantom was not the kind Angel that Christine had first seen him as.

"He can be a terror." She explained briefly.

"In what way?"

"His eyes….they burn me….he's obsessed with me…he would kill for me. Plus, he likes it too rough."

"There is nothing more dangerous than obsession." Raoul said simply.

"That is true." Christine hung her head.

Raoul gazed at his lover and an idea struck him. "Why don't we run away?"

Christine looked up. "To where?"

"To a beautiful place. To a place where he can't find us. A place where we'll never have to grow up!"  
Christine stared.

"Uh….my Neverland Ranch….."

"That's a wonderful idea!" Christine exclaimed happily. "But one hitch."

"Name it."

"I must sing for the Phantom before we leave."

"WHAAAT?" Raoul exploded.

"Raoul," Christine pleaded. "He loves me….he's….he's OBSESSED with me! To leave now….that would be an unforgivable act of cruelty!"

"Something in my gut tells me….we should leave tonight."

"No, Raoul."

"Christine…..I love you."

"And I you."

The two were leaning toward each other, lips nearly touching, when a hairy head came between the two lovers.

"Bubbles! Go back inside!"

And that's it for Ch. 3! Thank you so much for reading! And thank you for the reviews! Excuse me for the title, but I was afraid that some people wouldn't get the one liner with the "masquerade" (I'm looking at you, Vivi). It's true! If you turn the soundtrack up full blast on "Masquerade," that's what you hear! Well, that's all for now! This is giraffy 410, signing off!


	4. Chapter 4

How do you do? This is giraffy410! I've had some issues with the updating….stupid document manager. But the problem is fixed! Hooray! Oh and thank you for that suggestion for the pet weasel! I've been trying to find a way to fit it in. And someone STILL did not get the masturbate joke with ch. 3! I guess I didn't properly explain it….oh well. By the way, did ANYONE get that Janet Jackson joke? I suppose not…WAHH! Enjoy the fourth installment of "The Phantom's Opera!"

Chapter 4 "Who's the pop star NOW?"

The weeks passed with Raoul and Christine in perfect happiness. Christine appeared, at the moment, to have forgotten her suspicions about Raoul's faithfulness (or rather, lack thereof), and continued to frolic with him.

Unfortunately, the Phantom had seen their Moment on the top of the roof.

"God DAMMIT!" he screamed in his house in the cellars one evening. "She's such a whore! One minute it's Raoul, the next it's me, then it's Raoul again! I deflowered her! She should just stay with me!" He turned to his pet weasel, Fluffy, and said, "Fluffy, I just don't know what to do with this woman. What do you think I should do?"

The weasel did not move. "Oh, that's right, " The Phantom said sadly. "You're stuffed."

The Phantom thought for a moment. "If there was only a way to bring her to me….a way for her to sing. She won't leave until I hear her sing one last time, that's for damn sure. Maybe…." An unspeakable idea rose to the surface, and before the Phantom could push it away, he was already at his composition collection, looking for the oldest and most forbidden of operas that he had written.

"This might do…."

Meanwhile, Christine could not sleep. She kept thinking of the poor Phantom, whom she would soon betray. What would father do?

She slipped out of bed, put on the sexiest and low-cut dress she could find (even though it was the middle of winter), and headed out the door to a carriage.

The Phantom, on the roof, spotted her, swooped down on the cab driver and kicked him in the sweet spot.

Thank God for those kung fu lessons….the Phantom thought.

"To my father's grave." The distraught Christine ordered.

"Sure thing, little lady," the Phantom said in a crappy southern accent.

"Aren't we in France?"

"Hey, look! A monkey!"

"Where?"

At Father Daae's grave, Christine prayed.

"Father, I need your help more than ever." the girl said tearfully. "Who should I choose, the sexy Phantom, or Raoul, who is my one true love?"

In the background, Raoul and the Phantom were both duking it out. Christine went on, oblivious.

"I know you must be busy in heaven….but…."

"Child, are you nuts?" a voice called from the grave. "They got NOTHING up here! Not even cable!"

"Father!" Christine shrieked with joy. Even the Phantom and Raoul stopped trying to kill each other.

Father Daae stood in front of Christine, short and bald.

"Yo! Phantom! How's it hangin'?"

"One lower than the other!" the Phantom replied.

"Christine, dear," her father continued. "To answer your question: based on serious relationships with the two men who are trying to kill each other back there, I would say that the Phantom relinquishes more libidinous needs than Raoul, who seems to have a lot more on his mind."

"Father," Christine said innocently. "Whatever do you mean?"

Father Daae pointed to the Phantom. "He's better in bed."

The Phantom sneered at Raoul and said, "Who's the pop star NOW?"

That does it for Chapter 4! I know this chapter wasn't as funny as the other ones…..it's mainly a filler until Chapter 5. Chapter 5 will be good….I promise! I have the story and jokes ALL lined up! Thank you so much for reading! This is giraffy410, signing off!


	5. Chapter 5

How do you do? This is giraffy410 again! My inbox was overwhelmed by your mail! Thank you so much! I feel so grateful…..Well, this is the last chapter. We've had some fun times…..sniff. I will write other fics in the future, probably having to do with Batman or Fruits Basket. Kyo and Yuki go on a road trip! Yeah! Please enjoy the final installment of "The Phantom's Opera!"

Chapter 5 "A Little Loopy"

The next morning, Christine awoke with Meg at her side, in yet another tight and revealing dress.

"Sweetheart, I've wonderful news! You know that scary Opera Ghost that everyone is talking about?"

Christine groggily opened one eye. "What about him?"

"He's written an opera!" Meg shrieked, clapping her hands. "And he wants YOU to star in it!"

Christine opened her mouth to object, then realized that this is her chance to sing for the Phantom, then get her Swedish ass on the road. Forget what Papa said! This is getting creepy!

"What's the opera about?"

Christine paced the floor of her dressing room nervously. She was confident in her voice, yes, but who's to say that the Phantom won't try anything? If only father were here….Wait, no, she thought. We already went through that scene.

Suddenly Raoul burst into the room. His curly black locks were tangled and his nose looked a bit off center.

"Christine! My shrink says I need to stop being selfish and give you moral support, so here it is! Moral support!"

"Raoul, it's ten minutes to show time. You're just NOW giving me moral support?"

His lower lip twitched. "Bubbles threw up in the carriage….."

The monkey approached Raoul from behind, indeed looking a little loopy.

"Christine, my love, I know you can do this." Raoul said, suddenly encouraging.

"But what if the Phantom pulls something dreadful?" Christine fretted. "What if…."

"All you need to think about is what you are going to do." Raoul looked lovingly at his soul mate. "And by God, that is…..Bubbles! These are my new shoes!"

Christine approached the stage, her heart beating in her chest. This was it. After the show, she and Raoul were leaving. For good. To Neverland…..wherever the hell THAT is.

Christine kept her head down, in her modest cloak. The music started, and she popped her head up.

"_I think I did it again. I made you believe…we're more than just friends."_

_"It might seem like a crush…but it doesn't meeeeean that I'm serious."_

_"And to looooose all my senses, that is JUST SO TYPICALLY ME………"_

_"Ooooh baby baby."_

Christine ripped off the cloak, revealing a leather bikini she borrowed from Meg.

_"OOPS I DID IT AGAIN! I PLAYED WITH YOUR HEART! GOT LOST IN THE GAME! OOH BABY BABY! OOPS YOU THINK I'M IN LOVE THAT I'M SENT FROM ABOOOOOOOOVE! _

_"I'M NOT THAT INNOCENT!"_

Suddenly, the Phantom appeared on center stage, edged toward her, sexily, while every fiber in Christine's body pulsed and cried out-

"MAKE LOVE TO ME PHANTOM!"

Christine clapped her hands over her mouth. Did she say that out loud?

The Phantom swooped over. "That, my dear, is something I can do."

Christine smiled, forgetting her previous plan, and suddenly wondered what was under that mask. Could it wait? No. She had to know now….

In one snatch, the mask was in her slim paw, and the other side of the Phantom's face was revealed.

It was horrible….it had a strange likeness to…..Britney Spears….

"No! It can't be true!"

The floor beneath them suddenly disappeared…..they were falling….Christine was dimly aware of the chandelier falling above…..

Raoul journeyed down to the cellars, with Bubbles, having taken some Pepto Bismol, by his side. He stripped off his white shirt, heroically, waiting for any possible danger lurking around the corner. He had heard about the Phantom's tricks, and was ready.

He fell into a lake of water.

"Smooth!" he thought he heard Bubbles shout. Wait….he thought. Do monkeys talk?

He didn't have time to find out. A wall was closing in on him…..

"YOU STUPID LITTLE BITCH!" yelled the Phantom/Britney. "EVERYTHING WAS GOING PERFECT, THEN YOU JUST HAD TO SEE WHAT WAS UNDER MY FUCKING MASK! FIRST YOU TAKE THE HOT WATER, THEN YOU SNEAK AROUND WITH THAT CHILD MOLESTER…."

"Raoul's not a child molester!"

"NOW THIS! WHAT NEXT? MARRY PRINCE?"

"But Phantom!"

"Not a word!"

"But I have to tell you something!"

"WHAT?"

They were interrupted by Raoul at the gates.

"Release her!" he cried, his shirt open at the top, turning on both the Phantom and Christine.

The Phantom let him in.

"Raoul….Phantom…" Christine cried. "I have something to tell you….I…..I CAN'T!"

She ran to the bathroom. The Phantom made to go after her, but Raoul grabbed him by the cloak.

"I think she needs some space."

"No….I think she needs some Midol. Christine, dear…" he tapped on the door. "Are you alright?"

"NO!" a deep voice roared. The Phantom stepped back.

"Well…what is it?"

"I'm p-"

"Premenstrual?"

"PREGNANT!"

"Shit."

"Honey," Raoul started. "When did this come about?"

"Right before I came onstage…..I threw up earlier today, and I thought it was just nerves, but then I did one of those test thingies before the show….and it was positive!" The girl sobbed through the door. "I wanted to tell the Phantom before Raoul and I took off…." She was cut off by immediate puking.

"Who's child is it?" The Phantom asked nervously.

"WHO'S THROWING UP IN HERE?"

"No, I mean, who is the father?"

"I don't know!" Christine whined.

There was a pause. Then Raoul said, "Well, now that we're doing confessions, I have one. Honey, my name is not Raoul. It's Michael. Michael Jackson."

Christine slammed out of the bathroom. "You LIED TO ME?"

Michael hung his head. "I had to….I'm on the run…"

"He molested a teenage boy." the Phantom explained.

"He was TWELVE!"

"The point is…" The Phantom continued. "We are both frauds. He is a child molester. I am….half of another person.

"Britney Spears."

"Would you NOT say that name?"

"Sorry…"

"So…." the Phantom went on. "Who will you choose: the monkey -loving pervert on my right-" Michael burst into tears.

" Or me: the one man who can give you the music and lust you desire?"

Christine looked from one man to the other. This is too difficult! Finally, she came to a conclusion. She would choose….

Suddenly a giant fish popped out of the lake, and ate Christine. Yes, a FUCKING FISH.

"Christine! Oh, Christine! My love! My creature of the night!" The Phantom sobbed.

"Don't leave me with him!" Michael cried.

"What's THAT supposed to mean?" the Phantom asked, hands on hips.

"It sounded like a good grief cry to me…."

After the two men cried, the Phantom said, with a hint of a flirt in his eye, "Michael, your nose is off center…." He grabbed hold of it, and said "I got your nose!"

The nose came off in his hand.

"Let's make love." The Phantom said, yanking Michael by the shirt.

"Oh! Yes! ROUGH! ROUGH!"

"Eww…Michael, don't do that slurpy thing…"

"Yes! Yes! YEEEES! YES- BUBBLES!"

Thank you so much for reading! This is my first completed fanfic! I feel so happy! And to think I had at least a handful of people who read it! I know this last one was long (believe me, it took forever to write), but it WAS the final chapter. And I apologize for all the sex jokes, but so much of "The Phantom of the Opera" has material that is easy to make perverted! I love you all for reading! This is giraffy410, signing off!


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